I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
