The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
