Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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