i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
