I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My cat gives me a boner
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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