found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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