The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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