Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
