At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
