Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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