I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
