You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
