I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
