I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
