watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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