I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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