i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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