i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
please come you make the beer taste better
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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