I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
