Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
