is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
