I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
