tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
