My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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