I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
