in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
