All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm passing your future prison.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
