Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize