if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
