I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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