shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
