oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
