I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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