I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
