I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
