god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
