she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
