just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
