dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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