Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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