love makes seman taste better
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
