my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
