ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
