My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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