Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
