i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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