Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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