I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
