my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
