You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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