he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Your cock deserves a montage
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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