I bet he comes in French.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
