rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
