I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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