he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
