just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
