Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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