I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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